Written By:
Linwood Atkins
Dating Coach/Matchmaker
@The Millennial Dater
Watch any episode of Netflix's "Love Is Blind," and you'll witness something unique: singles forming deep connections and agreeing to marriage proposals before ever seeing each other face-to-face. The premise forces participants to focus on conversations rather than physical attraction, and honestly, it's genius.
Imagine living in a world where this approach became the norm. You'd value compatibility over appearance and pursue relationships based on genuine connection. Physical flaws would fade into the background. Superficial standards would disappear. Your dating pool would expand exponentially, and my job as a matchmaker would become infinitely easier.
But reality works differently.
Physical attraction serves as the catalyst that creates the motivation necessary for dating. Without it, we relegate potential connections to the "friend zone" and eliminate any chance of romance. This reveals a simple truth worth acknowledging: as humans, we can be shallow by nature. We evaluate their looks, determine if we're attracted, then decide whether they're worth pursuing.
But have we been approaching this wrong? Appearance matters—I won't pretend otherwise. What worries me is how our focus on physical attraction has skewed our priorities and overshadowed our genuine pursuit of love.
The Weight Of Our Desires
Attraction is not universal, so desire varies from person to person. Since we all appeal to different people, the significance we place on these desires should also vary. I meet countless singles who focus their attention on people who aren't quite right for them. When this happens, it often creates expectations that may never be fulfilled.
Consider balancing your desires when choosing a partner. Physical preferences are natural, but letting them drive every decision can lead to serious problems. Consider these three prevalent issues that occur when we prioritize physical attraction above all else.
We Settle For Less Than We Deserve
Hyper-focus on physical traits, and you inadvertently expose yourself to incompatible partnerships. These relationships typically lack depth because they disregard the values most important to you. Choose to nurture them anyway, and you undermine your own principles, settling for less than you deserve. Depending on your current dating goals, this may or may not matter. But want a stronger, more meaningful bond? Reconsider your approach and concentrate on the core values you seek from a partner.
We Make Decisions Based On Short-Term Pleasure
Look around at today's over-sexualized society, and you'll notice how fulfilling immediate desires often takes priority over lasting ambitions. As a result, many people seek partners who can fulfill their immediate desires, hoping these same individuals will somehow meet their emotional and relational needs. This can happen unconsciously. When physical pleasure becomes a priority, it can shift our focus toward connections that feel good in the moment but lack lasting substance.
We Pursue Partners Beyond Our Reach
Here's a reality worth considering: We're not compatible with everyone, and sometimes there's a mismatch in what two people are looking for. This doesn't make anyone better or worse—it simply means you're not aligned. Recognize when two people have differing goals and ambitions that make them incompatible. Ignore the signs and trudge ahead anyway? Prepare yourself for a cycle of bad dates, heartbreaks, and ghosting that leaves you confused and questioning your self-worth.
How To Choose From A Balanced Perspective
Acknowledge this reality: since love isn't blind, physical attraction will play a role in successful relationships. A strong physical connection can deepen the bond between partners and contribute to overall relationship satisfaction. The question is: how do we honor both physical chemistry and emotional compatibility when choosing someone to date?
Start by clearly understanding what physically appeals to you. Remember that attraction goes deeper than facial features, curves, or pectoral muscles. Consider swagger—the confidence someone portrays has the potential to override physical characteristics.
Next, identify those core values you seek in a partner. Include religious views, political beliefs, and mutual interests in this assessment. Look for a shared perspective in these areas combined with physical attraction—that's what sparks real chemistry. Once you've identified these values, let them guide your search. Filter out all prospects that don't align and leave no room for compromise.
Ultimately, let the combination of what you find attractive and your core values guide your decision about who to date. Understand that this method doesn't guarantee love, but it can assist you in forming more meaningful connections. Recognize that better connections increase the likelihood of meeting someone who truly complements you.
The Bottom Line
Imagine if love were truly blind—it would disregard the physical and focus solely on core values. Balance becomes the key. Acknowledge and embrace what you find attractive while maintaining your standards for deeper compatibility. Denying or suppressing these feelings will only lead to dissatisfaction in the long run.
Find the middle ground. Let attraction open the door, but let your values determine who gets to stay.
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